OH. MY. GOD. I think I am in heaven. This book. THIS. BOOK. Had me in a chokehold the whole time. I am obsessed with Jake, Caleb is the bestie I didn’t know I needed and Mars??? MARS??? Please, crush me with your whole body, I BEG you. The spice was S-P-I-C-Y in here, had me sweating and wishing I was reading alone….with some electronic help, if you know what I mean whew.

Outside of that, though, this was such a thoughtful and provocative book about polyamory, bi-sexuality, demisexuality, and every kind of queerness in between. It was about finding out who you are as a person, not just sexually but professionally. Emily Rath states it in the beginning of the book, that the book is going to be like 3 love stories in one, and she is SO SO right. Seeing the relationship between Rachel and her paramours bloom was so beautiful. Them all learning to lean on each other, to be secure in the relationship was so breathtaking. They communicate ALL THE TIME, which is, quite frankly, how ANY relationship will work, much less a poly one.

I just…I didn’t know how much I needed to read this, especially during Pride Month, especially as an ally. This opened up so many new ways for me to see, REALLY SEE, my friends and neighbors who are a part of the LGBTQ+ community. I see you, and I love you.

this whole review will be done as amanda wrote her book. no caps.

“sometimes

no closure

tells us

more than

the closure

ever

could.

–some people were never worth your words”

i have to say, i don’t usually read poetry. it never seems to strike me in any kind of way, visceral or emotional or anything. but this. this captivated me. it made me angry. it made me self reflect. it made me realize things about myself that i didn’t know i had been holding on to all these years later. i didn’t realize how much that other person had taken a hold on my life, on my heart, until i was reading this collection. i have a hard time letting go, i find myself dreaming of him still, even when i think i’m over it. i don’t follow him on facebook or any other social media. i don’t understand why he still permeates my thoughts while i sleep. i try so hard to get rid of him and he still is there. always there.

i have a new man and i can’t bring myself to love him even though i know he loves me. i just don’t think i do that anymore. i am apathetic to him and some days wondering if it would be best to not be together. then other days, i’m wishing he could come and hang out with me and just watch tv. is it simply because i crave adult interaction? i don’t know.

“‘but my heart-i don’t know if it can love again just yet,’ i warn him. 

‘let your heart take it’s time,’ he replies, his voice surer than any i’ve ever heard before. ‘as it happens, mine needs a rest, too. we’re both here, anyway-we can take them both & lock them away in a box so they can figure things out together.’

–closed for repairs”

this whole book made me question everything i know and everything i thought i knew about myself and my heart. while my old relationship wasn’t physically abusive, i have come to realize how emotionally abusive it was, especially towards the end.

“my body didn’t want to know what it was like to survive without you. for a year after, i watched that disappearing act of a girl from the corner of my bedroom ceiling, where she couldn’t hear me screaming that she needed to stop depriving herself of the things she needed the most. to stop with the numbers, with the counting. even then i knew how fucked up it was, but i started to feel happy when all the parts of me that were still in love with you were dripping like nectar from my bones.

–i’m still rebuilding”

still, this was a hauntingly good book of poetry. i’ve never had such speak to me in such a profound way. i’ll leave you with a few more pieces.

please, go read this.

“i can no longer remember how warm your nicotine laugh felt when it slid through me.

–how to know when it’s really over”

“love does not need to be tragic in order for it to be good. the truth is that i would much rather stir to the feeling of his lips meeting my forehead at 5:30 a.m. every morning for the next eighty odd years that settle for living an eternity alongside someone who can’t even be sure where he left his promises the night before.

–fuck those fairy tales”

” ‘that girl is mine,’ the monster-boy growled.

‘that’s where you’re wrong. that girl belongs to the coffee shops & the bookstores & the treetops – but mostly she just belongs to herself,’ he said, unafraid.

–thank you”

*please see review also on Goodreads.

 (Goodreads)

Wow. This novel was exceptional. Each characterization of each of the novels many main characters was done with such precision and care. I got angry at some of them (Ahem, Elena Richardson, I’m looking at you and hubby there) and empathized with both Bebe and Lexi (some choices are so hard to make), but I think Mia resonated the most to me. Her life was absolutely one that I simultaneously would have loved and hated. Traveling because you could, but still taking your kid with you, but also only doing it because you HAVE to, not because you want to.

The Richardsons’ were a well ordered family, that cookie cutter type that we all see in Home and Garden magazines: perfect lawns, big house, 2 kids of each gender, good jobs, etc. Enter Mia Warren, single mom, nomad, photographer. Mia’s past is unknown but Elena makes it her job to know it. And it comes with disastrous results. Occurring at the same time, Elena’s good friend is embroiled in a custody case that divides this perfect little town in Ohio. And that has some interesting some results.

I can’t speak too much on this novel, unfortunately, because any little thing could be a spoiler and this book was just too good to spoil. I think Ng is quickly becoming my favorite author. I remember hating Everything I Never Told You, but then quickly falling in love with it. Now, whether my review of that book holds with this view I have of it now is another thing entirely. But truly, Little Fires will stay with me for a while. The last few pages (or for me, minutes) of this novel were just so utterly and beautiful and devastatingly written, that I actually sat in my car for a few minutes just to soak it all in.

Be sure to check out Celeste Ng’s Everything I Never Told You (here at , if you haven’t already. She really is coming to be a great novelist.

 (find here on Goodreads)

From here, I will leave you. Until next time!

I will not just add a link to go to my Goodreads page today. Today, I am sharing with you the entirety of this review. As an LGBTQI+ ally, this book resonated with me. I am with you. Always.

I am not even sure I have the words to explain how incredible and heart wrenching this novel was. I wasn’t even born when Yale’s story begins, and then was only just out of college a few years when we read Fiona’s tale begins. The ending? Soul crushing. Heart breaking. Hopeful. Uplifting. Bittersweet.

I wasn’t sure, really, what I was getting into with this novel. I knew it was going to be about the HIV/AIDS epidemic in the 80’s. I also knew that it was going to go forward in time and be about a mother/daughter relationship gone awry. What I didn’t know was that I would root for Yale the entire time, that I would mourn the losses with him and Fiona, the triumphs. That I would get angry on their behalf, wanting to be their friends in real life. Then realizing that I am so lucky to actually have my own friends the way Yale had his.

Yale, a young, vibrant gay man in Chicago, coming to the peak of his career at the height of the HIV/AIDS epidemic, is who we are introduced to first. He takes us on a journey of sorrow right off the bat: his friend, Nico, has just died of AIDS. Nico’s boyfriend, Terrance, not allowed to be with him because Nico’s parents, who disowned him but have come back for the hospital rights, have forbade it. Nico’s sister, Fiona, is inconsolable. This is how we meet her: crying but trying in every way she can, to let Nico’s gay friends and boyfriend have the ability to say goodbye. This loss, and everyone after, shapes her into the woman she becomes – but her story will come later. Yale, meanwhile, is coping with the loss and after the funeral of many of his friends, comes to find out that his boyfriend, Charlie, cheated on him. Multiple times. It’s shocking because, as we have learned, Charlie was always accusing Yale of doing the same, only for it to have never been true. This is just another loss that Yale has to deal with. So he pours himself into his work – and his young intern, Roman. Yale has just bagged what could possibly be the biggest thing to happen to an art gallery: unknown works of an artist from long ago, from Fiona’s aunt Nora. The man was her great love of her life and is a relative unknown in the art world, but her dying wish is to see his works displayed. This becomes Yale’s priority. Until it isn’t

Fiona, young, vibrant and yet jaded by the horrific death of her brother, is also the young mother hen and power of attorney for many of the young men in Boystown, as it is known. This shapes her in ways that she doesn’t realize until she is much older: marriage ruined by infidelity on her part, and an estranged daughter, who first joined a cult then later runs off to Paris. It’s this search for her daughter that we meed Fiona, in 2015, after hiring a private investigator aid in the search. She travels to Paris, and stays with Richard Campo, famous artist – and old friend. He was there, documenting every moment of the HIV/AIDS epidemic in Chicago, documenting the riots, the marches and his friends. He is getting ready for a big show, one that will showcase all of that work from then, and wants Fiona to see it all. But she isn’t sure she is ready. Not only is she trying to repair her relationship with her daughter, but she is trying to find herself again and the past is haunting her in ways that are challenging her very soul.

This whole book. From cover to cover, all I had were feelings. The whole time. It was just so overwhelming and so poignant. Many times, my emotions would overcome me and I would have to put it down, only to pick it right back up because I couldn’t just leave those boys there. It was a very visceral reaction. I don’t get that very much. This was absolutely worth the $2 in late fines I now have at the library since it’s 2 weeks overdue. Now, on to the next. To those who passed on from this horrid disease, RIP. To those dealing with it, stay strong.